


it's always been you

by chasingjupiter



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-25 23:55:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20920748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingjupiter/pseuds/chasingjupiter
Summary: Soonyoung isn't a selfish person. It just happens that Jihoon's probably better off without that girlfriend of his and much better off with Soonyoung instead. That's not selfish, right?





	it's always been you

When Jihoon informed Soonyoung via text message that he had finally gotten a girlfriend after years of being single and lonely, Soonyoung had immediately burst into tears.

It’s not that the text had been particularly poetic, as Jihoon’s texts sometimes are, and it’s not that Jihoon’s words had been especially hurtful (okay, maybe the “years of being alone” damaged his pride a little). It’s just that Soonyoung happens to be at the peak of his nerves, in his senior year of high school, and he coincidentally happens to cry a lot. It’s not his fault his tear ducts have the resistance of a flimsy strand of dollar-store yarn.

He’s thinking of that specific incident of bursting into tears right now, crouched in the shower, letting hot water soak his hair and run down his skin in a myriad of streams mimicking the two rivers rolling down his cheeks. Not an ideal place to be sobbing his heart out, of course, but the crash of the showerhead conveniently masks the sound of his ragged breaths in and out.

So maybe it’s the sixth time he’s cried today. So what? Soonyoung is a strong, nearly out of high school, and dignified young adult. Okay, scratch dignified. There’s nothing dignified about curling into a ball and crying in the shower.

But still, he’s gone through so much. The past twelve years of education - public school, of all things - have battered him in and out, but he’s still here, isn’t he? He can handle a tiny heartbreak. In fact, he’s handling it pretty well, if he says so himself. Crying? Everyone does that.

Even so, he tries to gulp in the last few sobs and stands up, hands on his knees. Flicking away the drenched bangs from his eyes, he breathes in deep and breathes out deep and struggles to maintain composure. He rubs his eyes and blinks a few times until he’s on the brink of okay. And then he abandons his shower and climbs out, stepping into his sweatpants with little awareness of what he’s doing. 

It’s not until he’s absently clambering into bed that he thinks of how Jihoon rarely loses self-control like this, and how even if he did he would seldom allow Soonyoung to witness such a vulnerable part of himself. And then he falls forward to smash his face in his pillow and he bursts into tears again.

So perhaps dignified will take awhile to join the list of Soonyoung’s characteristics.

-

“Kwon Soonyoung!”

Jihoon’s voice pierces through the muddle of high school students fleeing the school. Soonyoung’s among them, keeping his head low precisely to avoid Jihoon, but he supposes his red hair doesn’t really help. He makes a weak attempt to keep ignoring Jihoon, but the younger quickly catches up to him and latches onto his shoulder.

“Where are you going?”

“Home?” he offers with a lopsided smile that will hopefully not irritate Jihoon.

“I thought we were going to stay after to get help,” Jihoon says. While there’s the usual fire in his eyes when he’s confronting Soonyoung, he looks away and suddenly a wave of guilt washes over Soonyoung. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have actively avoided his best friend.

He lets the smile slide off his face. “Sorry,” he says sincerely. “I forgot. Let’s go now?”

Jihoon nods, looks back up at him. He seems somewhat unfazed, but still hesitant to let it go. “We better hurry, then.”

Jihoon teases him for being a slowpoke on their way to the physics classroom and Soonyoung, despite his qualms, giggles in and prods his side in retaliation. Their teacher watches them work on the problems together with a fond gaze, and Soonyoung feels all warm inside with just the two of them working hard.

Working with Jihoon is always exponentially better than working with other classmates. Jihoon’s the really naturally talented type, but he’s only this good because he works so hard. Soonyoung sometimes feels like he should offer his best friend more support, somehow, since he’s got a hundred times more stress than Soonyoung, but he never really knows how to. So he’ll just work side by side with Jihoon, and he seems to be satisfied with this arrangement. 

Jihoon tells him (only on his birthday) about how grateful he is for Soonyoung, and how he admires his persistence, and how he’s come to rely on his never wavering encouragement. These words are few and far between, but he treasures each and every one of them and vows to do better so Jihoon can have an easier time.

Moments like these remind Soonyoung that his life kind of revolves around Jihoon. Having your best friend be the most beautiful, admirable human being on the planet on top of being an extremely gay, head-over-heels romantic yourself? Soonyoung was screwed from the beginning.

The thought sobers him and when the after-school bell rings, startling him out of his reverie, he jumps. Jihoon turns to him, looks surprised at the solemn expression on his face.

“Are you walking home?”

Soonyoung nods. Without another word, they silently agree to walk home together. 

The walk is quiet.

Or, it feels quiet, in Soonyoung’s head. He vaguely registers Jihoon humming happily on his right, hands swinging with the rhythm of his steps. A car occasionally whisks past, causing Soonyoung to lean away, which incidentally pushes him lightly into Jihoon. His friend doesn’t seem to mind. He’s as pliable as clay today, in such a good mood that Soonyoung could probably shake his shoulders wildly and get off with a light chiding when normally he’d get wrestled to the ground.

“What’s got you so happy today?” he finally asks, curiosity getting the best of him.

“Oh, nothing,” Jihoon dismisses quickly. It’s obviously nothing, by the look of his delighted smile. But Soonyoung doesn’t pry in fear of the blissful grin disappearing only to be replaced by annoyance. 

About thirty seconds later, Jihoon stops walking and turns to him. “Okay, fine,” he says, even though Soonyoung has already given up on finding out (is a little afraid of the answer). “It’s just that everything feels so right now, you know? Is that cheesy? I got the top score in that last English test, I just spent an uninterrupted forty minutes with you-” Soonyoung feels his heart leap to his throat- “And I’ve got a girlfriend - someone who actually likes me.”

As quickly as his chest had swelled up, it deflated, leaving him feeling awfully empty. He looks away from Jihoon’s bright eyes and instead kicks a little at the road because he feels like his hollow insides might just erupt with how a mixture of resentment and self-pity is brewing. 

Yeah, he’s being a terrible friend right now, but in his defense he’s spent the last, what, four years in love with Jihoon? And it’s not like Jihoon is just anybody - he could never be, to Soonyoung - so he can’t completely distance himself or even just explain it all. If he confesses, it’ll all be over. Everything, from the disgust he can picture on Jihoon’s face to the inevitable divergence in their friendship, looms over him whenever he entertains the thought of a confession. And their friendship is infinitely more important to him than a potentially permanent heart boner.

Jihoon’s smile falls at the sight of Soonyoung’s gloom.

“Is there something wrong?” he asks tentatively.

“No,” Soonyoung says, voice clearly indicating that there is.

Jihoon bristles abruptly, good mood vanished, and all of a sudden Jihoon’s arms are crossed and he frowns at Soonyoung, clearing his throat. 

“So, what, you’re going to act all pissy because I’m dating someone now? I asked you if you liked her, didn’t I? You could’ve just told me not to say yes.”

The words, harsh but rightfully so, dig into Soonyoung’s sensitive walls. Jihoon doesn’t understand at all, probably will never get the hint. He wonders why he had to fall in love with such an idiotic, dense being, before correcting himself. Jihoon isn’t idiotic. It’s Soonyoung who is. Idiotic, because he fell in love with his best friend, because he fell in love with someone who could never possibly love him back.

Soonyoung’s voice quavers when he responds, eyes brimming with tears. “It’s not her I like,” he practically wails. “It’s you, it’s always been you!”

“What?”

Soonyoung swallows hard and berates himself mentally, eyes squeezing shut. Why did he have to lose it the moment Jihoon probed? To think, four years of shy, admiring love: all down the drain. Jihoon probably hates him. He can see it now, the wrinkled nose, the steps backward.

Jihoon jabs at his side. “Open your eyes, stupid. You’re going to get run over by a car.”

He dutifully opens his eyes, not without hesitation, but refuses to look anywhere near Jihoon, who sighs and bats at his arm. 

“Look at me,” he commands.

Soonyoung kind of hates how he’ll obey Jihoon’s every word because he holds him in such high esteem because now he can’t even resist. His eyes make their way to Jihoon’s face, anticipating an expression of pure disgust, but he’s surprised to see the fond exasperation he’s come to adore.

“Say that again,” Jihoon tells him. At Soonyoung’s confused look, he clarifies, “About how it’s not her…”

“About how it’s always been you?”

Watching Jihoon intently, Soonyoung sees this time the light blush that appears on Jihoon’s cheeks. It fills him with irrational butterflies, to see Jihoon so pretty and bashful because of something he blurted out in the heat of the moment. 

Jihoon takes a moment to find the right words, mouth hanging open, before simply saying, “Me too.”

“What?”

“It’s always been you for me, too.” he answers, embarrassed but sincere.

“B-but your girlfriend?”

Jihoon looks down at his shoes. “I told you, she asked me out and I asked you what I should say and you said to go for it. You sounded so nonchalant, I thought maybe you really didn’t like me, so I just said yes. Because it was kind of lonely when I thought about how there was so much more I wanted with you, and it was nice to have a distraction. And to know that maybe I wasn’t completely unlikeable.”

“Completely- unlikeable-” Soonyoung splutters. “Jihoon, I- You’re like the most perfect person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met Taemin! You’re really… one of a kind. My number one.”

“Your number one,” Jihoon repeats, disbelieving. 

Soonyoung nods. “And you’ll always be my number one,” he tells Jihoon. “My number one person, my number one friend… and my number one boyfriend?” He tacks on the last bit hopefully, eyes wide and searching.

“You’re silly,” Jihoon giggles. “Okay, I’ll be your number one boyfriend.”

An indescribable warmth surges in Soonyoung, and with it he surges forward, pulling Jihoon - his boyfriend - into a hug. He breathes in Jihoon with a delirious smile, tucks his chin over his shoulder when Jihoon responds in turn. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jihoon whispers, like he’s afraid to let the words escape. “This is kind of humiliating, but- you’re my number one everything too.”

It takes them awhile to separate, but when they do, the walk is quiet. This time, though, it’s a content quiet from both sides. And through the quiet, bridging the gap between them, their linked hands reassure the other of how it’s always, always been.

**Author's Note:**

> hghfghh lowkey in a writing block so this came out really poorly and im writing the next chap of filaos reeeally slowly otl  
thank you for reading <3


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